When Things Aren't Fair

The first time my daughter declared that something wasn’t fair was about spending the night at a friend’s house.  I had said “no”, and she replied, “Everybody else gets to do it”.   The same thing happened about a cell phone.  “Everyone else has one”.   Does this sound familiar? 

Fairness is a core value in our culture.  We promote fair play, a level playing field, equity, and blind justice.  The National Center for Diversity says, “Fairness isn’t a luxury – it’s a human necessity.  It’s hardwired into us…Psychologists have long recognized that humans are social beings who seek fairness because it helps societies survive.  Fairness builds trust, reduces conflict, and allows people to cooperate.”     

Fairness comes up in relationship with others.  If you are the parent of several children, you may hear about fairness earlier than the parents of a singleton.  Those of you with one child may only come under your child’s fairness doctrine when they begin having friends come over or when they start school.  If your child notices unfairness on television, such as someone receiving five cookies and another receiving only one, you may hear about the injustice from their observation rather than from their personal experience.   

How to do you handle fairness in parenting?  How do you respond to “That’s not fair!” and “Everybody else has one” in a way that inspires learning?   

Fairness in parenting does not mean giving the same thing to each one of your children.  It doesn’t mean that “everyone else” having something means that your child automatically receives it, too.  Fairness doesn’t mean the same bedtime, the same toys, the same foods, or the same activities for all your children.  It doesn’t mean treating each child identically.  

Fairness in parenting means recognizing that each child is unique, and each requires different resources depending upon what they need for their success.  That is equity, and it is fair. 

Here are a few skills for providing fairness for your child even when it may be met with their protests.  These skills keep your foot in the door for a meaningful conversation when you hear “but everyone has a cell phone!”. 

Avoid judging their awareness and protests around fairness.  Children notice fairness as early as 18 months.  Researchers have found “that the tendency to distribute resources fairly develops early: 18-month-olds will spontaneously divide resources equally, 3-year-olds will verbally correct situations in which an equality norm is violated, and by 6 years of age, children will dispose of resources rather distribute them unequally.”  Humans are wired to notice and speak out about fairness.  View their protest around fairness as a highly adaptive strategy.   

Listen and make it a conversation.  When your child makes a request, you do not immediately need to answer or decide, AND it is vital to listen.  Get curious and ask them questions.  What meaning does it carry for them and about them to spend the night with a friend, get a cell phone, go on a date, go to the movies with friends, or stay out late?  This will deepen your understanding of your child’s desires, and it will give you a compassionate place from which to eventually make your decision. 

If the “unfairness” is related to something outside of your home or to a decision made by someone else, make that a conversation, too.  For instance, your child may indicate the unfairness of a grade received in school, sitting on the bench during a softball game, or not being chosen in an audition.  Explore how they feel, how they would like to handle it, and how they would have liked it to have turned out.  With great compassion, explore their part in it and what they might like to do next time to reach a better outcome. 

Avoid these phrases which will shut down the conversation:

·       It doesn’t matter if Jane has a phone – This response discounts credible information that your child is providing in making a point and seeking clarity.  It says that their natural inclination to notice disparity is wrong.

·       Because I say so – This offers no information to aide your child’s understanding of your decision. 

·       You are not old enough – This implies that older means better and that something is wrong with being the age that they are.

·       “No” with no explanation – You miss out on deepening the conversation.   Offering an explanation means that your child is seen and heard.  They learn from your transparency.

·       I don’t care what you want – This is unkind and hurtful.   

·       This is just the way it is – This response doesn’t provide useable information.  There is no there there.

·       You get what you get, and you don’t get upset – This was said on occasion in my child’s preschool, which we loved because of its diversity, Montessori focus, and activities.  We didn’t love this phrase.  It says that a child has no agency over what happens to them or what they receive and that they are not allowed to feel or to protest.

·       Life is unfair so get used to it – This is just plain negative and hopeless.  How discouraging!    

Consider using these phrases which allow the parent to take responsibility for the decision, keep engaged in a conversation, and not make it about the child:

·       I am not ready for you to do that yet – Mom or dad takes ownership.

·       I understand that Jane has a phone, and every family is unique in how they do things – This provides perspective and allows you to talk about what you value.

·       How would life be different for you with a cell phone?  What would you most like to use it for? – This allows your child to express what they envision and to be heard.

·       Would you be willing to earn [half of, all of…] the funds to purchase this? – This is an incentive and an invitation to put some skin in the game.

·       Would you be willing to use your phone during [these hours] and to put it in a basket in the dining room when not in use and at night? – In taking this approach, you have the flexibility to set limits and to see your child’s willingness to cooperate.

·       I am willing for Jane to spend the night here.  Would that work? – This wording keeps the conversation open, demonstrates cooperation, and gives another alternative.  

Are you transparent?  Even if your child doesn’t like your decision, they will be much more willing to accept it if your process for reaching the decision is transparent.  Frame things around safety, your family values, and your own perspectives rather than making it about your child’s level of maturity, their age, or their capabilities. 

What are your fears?  If you are experiencing fear around your child’s request, listen to yourself.  For instance, if they want to spend the night with a friend who has a sibling at home about whom you feel uncomfortable, parents who are not present or attentive, or with a friend who lives thirty minutes away, trust your intuition.  Let your child know that their friend can spend the night at your house or that you are open to them spending the night with Nancy who lives across the street.  Talk with them about your level of comfort.   

For example, when our daughter was first driving, we all were part of an app that allowed us to see where we each were.  It wasn’t about not trusting her.  We made it clear that it was about safety and our level of comfort in knowing where she was.  We also wanted her to know where we were in the event she needed us. 

When you next hear, “That’s not fair”, know that your child is a brilliant observer!  They are developing a moral compass.  Use it as an opportunity to find out what they want and what gaining it means to them.  Make your decision based on your values and your determination if it is a safe and healthy risk for growth.  Most of all, be transparent.  That’s the space where the learning and love happen!