Teaching Civility in a Political Firestorm

Many thanks to The Santa Fe New Mexican for permission to reprint this article from our column. It is a timely topic for sure!

The world of politics today is rampant with name calling, aggression, and bullying.  Debates are riddled with attacks on one another’s character and sound bites are more important than reason.  How do we teach our children civil political discourse and general civility in the midst of this firestorm?  Here are four ways to guide your children to lead, think, win, and lose with civility.

Allow your children, even very young ones, to lead.  Responsibility is a great way to learn leadership, so put your child in charge.  They can choose the dinner menu, the movie you are going to watch, or where to go on your weekend hike.

Whenever you are engaged in a power struggle with your child, view it as a time to let them lead.  Fire up your creativity rather than your anger.  Instead of pushing them to do something that they are resisting, ask yourself, “What is a way for them to lead?”  For example, if your son is resisting cleaning up his bedroom floor layered with dirty clothes dating from the Paleolithic Era, put him in charge of making sure that everyone (including parents) gets their clothes to the laundry room on Wednesdays.  If your daughter doesn’t turn out the bathroom light even though you’ve asked her repeatedly, put her in charge of making sure all lights in the house are off at bedtime.

If you are doing something for your child that he could do for himself, let him do it.  Have him pick out his own alarm clock to wake himself up in the morning or have her pack her own lunch before leaving for school.

Providing opportunities for greater responsibility will teach your children that we are all leaders.  

Teach them how to think.  Ask questions and discuss issues at home.  Explain how you have come to your conclusions.  Question the truth of statements, especially on social media, and teach your child to do the same, always modeling civility.  Ask your children what they think. 

Encourage your child to be a part of the school debate team.  There they will learn to examine an argument, to use reason, to express themselves clearly, and to problem solve.  Teach your child the art of debate at home and use those principles when talking about issues.        

Teach them to lose with grace.  Losing is the wellspring of resiliency, which is a life-long gift.  When a loss happens, talk about their feelings and how they would like to have it turn out the next time.  Encourage them to consider – without blame or shame – where they got off track.  Discuss what they can do to improve.  Model losing with grace, so they see how it looks.      

Teach them to win with grace.  Celebrate winning.  Teach your children to celebrate those who made them more skillful, including the teams they played in competitions.  Gratitude for those who assist us in becoming better at what we do is winning with grace.

In this political firestorm, it is possible to model civility for your family and to guide your children to be clear-thinking leaders who win and lose with grace.