Under Pressure

Many thanks to The Santa Fe New Mexican for the permission to repost this article from our Whole Hearted Parenting column.

The title of Lisa Damour’s book says it all – Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls. It is an epidemic of teens who dread going to school.  It is the pressure to plan for college, experienced from the moment they enter middle school, all the while panicking about high stakes tests.  It is the anxiety around meeting new friends, belonging, and attending social functions.

Damour writes, “Something has changed.  Anxiety has always been part of life and part of growing up – but in recent years for young women, it seems to have spun out of control.” Damour has observed the rise in anxiety in girls over the last twenty years in her psychology practice.  Surveys and research reinforce what she has detected.   For the first time, throughout the school year teens today feel more stressed than their parents, with only the summer months offering a respite. 

If your teen or young adult feels anxious, what are some steps that you can take?  How can you better understand what is going on with them so that you can be there for them with more confidence and less worry?  There are helpful resources out there for you and your daughter!

Damour has two pieces of good news, saying, first, that “stress and anxiety aren’t all bad.  In fact, you can’t thrive without them.  Second, the field of psychology has a lot to say about how to alleviate stress and anxiety if they do reach toxic levels.”  Speak with a psychologist if you or your teen would like guidance, especially if your teen’s anxiety “exceeds the healthy mark.”  Find a professional who specializes in teens and anxiety. 

Make sure that your teen has at least one trusted adult to speak with.  It could be you or your daughter’s father.  It could be an aunt or one of your dear friends or a grandparent.  Having a trusted adult to share with and confide in can make a significant difference.

Make sure your child is sleeping well.  Lack of good sleep can contribute to anxiety.  A serene nighttime routine with no electronic devices at least an hour before bed can help.  Eliminate caffeine after noon. 

Talk to your teen about what she finds soothing – music, exercise, quiet time alone, a talk with a friend, reading – and support her in carving out time for these activities.  Encourage walks outdoors and time in nature. 

Discuss the activities in which she feels most anxious while pointing out multiple ways to move through it.  If she is most anxious about making new friends, talk about opening a conversation on a shared experience, such as a homework assignment; consider ways to be genuinely curious about the other person; experiment with thinking of three ways that you are just like the other person before you talk with them (if that is challenging, include breathing, eating, and sleeping!); and discover with your daughter what she both brings to the table as a friend and most desires in a friend.  Have her visualize walking up to someone new and saying, “Hello.”  Be open and creative without joining in any drama.  Have faith that she will learn in her own unique way. 

There is resilience to be gained from moving through anxiety.  Author and counselor Sheryl Paul, who named her book The Wisdom of Anxiety, finds meaning in the experience of leaning in with anxiety rather than seeking to eliminate the symptoms.  She says that “anxiety is both the wound and the messenger.”  To find the message, we need to look below the surface rather than simply label anxiety as evidence of “brokenness” or something shamefully wrong with us. 

There is no shame or brokenness in anxiety.  There is learning to be had.