The Benefits of High Fiving Your Kids

Many thanks to The Santa Fe New Mexican for permission to share our Whole Hearted Parenting column with you!

A recent parenting column by John Rosemond more than discouraged parents from high fiving their kids. Writing that he wanted to scream when he saw parents doing this, he went so far as to say that the high five is not respectful because it is reserved for people “of equal status”.  Children should “know their place” as should adults who should be seen as “people who exist in a higher plane”.  There are a lot of “shoulds” in his column, which serve as a warning about the content.  According to Rosemond, the high five leads to disobedience and the downfall of the world as we know it.   

There is nothing in his article based on research, child development, psychology, or any form of science.  Yes, opinions may be included in columns.  Yet, when advising parents, I prefer that suggestions be firmly rooted in research.   

What I find most disturbing about the article is how it is patterned on patriarchy.  With a top-down view of the parent-child connection based on roles and “place” rather than on relationship, there is greater status, humanity, and respect afforded the top tier of adulthood.  Children are placed at the bottom of the barrel as second-class citizens.  Simply substitute man-woman or white-Black for parent-child in this paradigm and the inequity, inequality, and privilege are palpable.  This view is a relic, a part of an archaic system that does not serve parents, children, families, or society.  

The respect that a child has for their parent is not so fragile as to be disturbed by a high five.  The fragility lies with the parent who seeks obedience over relationship. 

Dr. Amy Rowland, Licensed Social Worker and owner of Creative Resilience Consulting, stated that the high five is a form of celebration and connection.  She spoke of working with children in hospitals where the only form of touch allowed was the high five.  It was appropriate and much needed. 

In his book Touch: The Science of Hand, Heart, and Mind, neuroscientist David J. Linden wrote, “Touch is not an option for human development.  We have the longest childhoods of any animal – there is no other creature whose five-year-old offspring cannot live independently.  If our long childhoods are not filled with touch, particularly loving, interpersonal touch, the consequences are dramatic.” 

Because of its brevity and energy, does the high five fit into the category of interpersonal or social touch?  According to Linden’s examples which included brief moments of touch, it appears to be a good fit.  The importance of interpersonal touch cannot be overstated.  Linden wrote that it “is a crucial form of social glue.  It reinforces bonds between parents and their children and between siblings.  It connects people in the community and in the workplace, fostering emotions of gratitude, sympathy, and trust.”  He continues by saying that “social touch can promote trust and cooperation.” Cooperation is much preferred over obedience because it nurtures leadership, resilience, confidence, and the enjoyment of being on teams.  Obedience does not. 

When a child raises their palm to you, go for the high five!  Recognize it as call for connection and celebration. Your child will experience the benefits, and their respect for you will remain intact.