When Your Child Tells a Lie

Many thanks to The Santa Fe New Mexican for permission to share our Whole Hearted Parenting column on our blog! The concepts in this article apply to being told a lie by an adult as well as from your child.

One of the top triggers for parents is being told a lie by their child.  It is a breach of trust.  You may fear that lying is going to become a chronic behavior.  The issue of respect comes online, which is likely another trigger.  How do you handle lying so that children embrace the value in telling the truth?  

First, discover and disarm your own trigger around lying.  If you react from your trigger – meaning you yell, shame, punish, or say things that you later regret – your child will be focused on you rather than on the impact of having told a lie.  This means that your reaction interferes in your child learning the value in telling the truth.  Your child will probably become triggered, too, so take time to process what is happening within you before talking with your child.  Chat with a friend, get some coaching, or discuss with a therapist so that you can explore what is below your reaction.  What are your judgements about lying?  What happened when you told a lie as a child?  What are your beliefs about someone who tells a lie?  

After processing your trigger, share your feelings about being lied to with your child with the intention of creating greater closeness and re-establishing trust.  Talk about how telling the truth builds trust in relationships while lying does the opposite.  Acknowledge that telling the truth can sometimes be hard.  Encourage your child to share how they felt when telling the lie.   

Discover what your child is trying to avoid.  We typically lie to avoid something such as getting in trouble, looking bad, being punished, or being judged.  Get curious.  Is there something in your approach that could be shifted so that your child doesn’t fear being punished?  Are mistakes handled harshly?  Could your child benefit from greater self-compassion?  

Around the age of six, children may not always tell the truth.  Understanding that aspect of development may help you remain more detached and see your child in a different light.  Looking at the places where we ourselves lie can also soften the playing field.  None of us are immaculate truth tellers.  It can also help to look at the places where we encourage our child to tell the truth, yet we don’t like their response, such as, “I don’t want to hug Aunt Betty.”

We are all more than how we show up in the moment of telling a lie, and there is growth by discovering what is under the surface. 

If you would like to learn more about lovingly handling lying, consider attending The Truth About Lying, our live virtual workshop happening on November 12, 2022. Details and registration are online at https://wholeheartedparenting.com/shop/lying. If you are reading this after that date or that date doesn’t work for you, please check out our online workshop on this same topic at https://wholeheartedparenting.com/shop?category=Online+Workshops. It will be available following the live virtual workshop.