Healing from the Hurt of Tough Love and the Troubled Teen Industry

There are events in life that shake a young person’s world, disrupting their identity, leaving them feeling adrift and alone, and crushing their trust in those who were supposed to be caring for them.  Here are two stories about how the decisions of adults, the cultural buy-in of “tough love”, and the flourishing of the Troubled Teen Industry (TTI) did just that.

Terry’s Story

There was no stability during his early years when he needed steady care in a big way.  He was without agency in a cycle driven by the indecision and cruel behavior of “adults”.  He vacillated in and out of abusive foster homes, the instability fueled by the wavering of his birthmother who couldn’t commit to parenting him and couldn’t let him go.  The pain of her situation must have been unbearable.  Eventually, she did place him for adoption, and he became my brother.

It was a time when wounds were not recognized, child psychologists were rare or unheard-of, and people were asked “what’s wrong with you?” rather than “what happened to you?”.  With no therapeutic support that might have acknowledged the immense impact of his early childhood experiences and assisted him in traversing that desert, he was viewed as rebellious, stubborn, a “troubled teen”.

An entire industry was built around the troubled teens of our nation, and tough love was the approach of the day. In her article, “The Real Problem with Tough Love”, in Psychology Today, Peg Streep wrote “I believe that no single cultural idea has contributed more to the flourishing of verbal abuse than the concept of “tough love.” I suspect that rationalizing verbal abuse as a form of discipline or tamping down ego or pride in children by parents helped ease its way. But make no mistake: What is called "tough love" is often just verbal abuse.”

Bill Milliken and Char Meredith’s book, Tough Love, came out in 1967.  Streep deemed it colonial, “patriarchal in spirit”, and smug.  “But [their] message resonated somehow, reinforcing the idea of hurting someone, stripping him or her down, so that he or she hits rock bottom and can be redeemed by new choices and, yes, love.  The cultural ripple effects were enormous, despite the fact that “tough love” wasn’t and isn’t founded in any psychological principles that actually work.”

At a time when teens needed connection, safety, and stability, they were whisked away to shady facilities that followed practices that were unsupported by evidence, research, psychology, or the test of time.  Most of the TTI facilities were for-profit organizations with little or no oversight and regulations.  Parents fell prey to their aggressive marketing, which often pathologized typical teen behavior, because it promised the solutions that they were desperate to find.

My brother did not enter a facility.  Out of high school, he joined the military.  The similarities between the two industries are probably not lost on you; however, the fate of many young people meant placement in TTI facilities in early and middle adolescence.  How pervasive were those placements?  The American Bar Association, in its 2021 article, Five Facts about the Troubled Teen Industry, stated “It is estimated that between 120,000–200,000 young people reside in some type of group home, residential treatment center, boot camp, or correctional facility. While the exact number of private placements are unknown, estimates are that more than 50,000 of those youth were placed privately by their parents.”

Katie’s Story

Katie was one of those hundreds of thousands of young people.  Her parents divorced when she was five.  She felt depressed as a middle schooler.  In her early teens she went to live with her father in another state, and her sister joined her there.  At the end of the year, her mother flew out to bring them home.  Although she did not want to go, she was given no choice.  When they landed at the airport following more than eight hours of travel, her mother let her know that her sister would continue travelling home with a friend; however, she was being sent to a treatment center many states away.  Feeling stunned, blindsided, and sick, she turned to run but was met by four large security guards who gave her the option of boarding the plane “with or without handcuffs”.  No one else, including her father, knew where she was headed or what was happening to her.

Upon admission, Katie, only fourteen years old, was strip searched and ordered to squat and cough.  She was given a diagnosis and medicated.  The counselors were “not qualified doctors, just sober alcoholics and addicts who shouted, swore, and treated us like criminals and addicts.”  She was neither a criminal nor an addict.

Her experience was shaming and dehumanizing.  After several months, Katie was transferred to a “halfway” facility in another state where she stayed for 4½ months.

The most disturbing experience at the new facility was that “the staff decided that I had been sexually abused by my dad.  That was not true, however, as a condition of my release (“graduation”), I was made to call the police and report him for this.  This was used by my mother’s attorneys in a custody and child support battle.  It destroyed any possibility of a relationship between me and my dad and stepmother.  They would not visit or even be in the same town as me for fear of further persecution.”

The summer she was turning fifteen, Katie was sent home to her mother’s house.  She had lost trust in her mother and anyone in a position of authority.  She had no relationship or hope of a relationship with her father.  What crystalized from this experience was that something was wrong with her.  Others treated her as if she needed special handling.  She was the problem.

Katie’s feelings and responses echoed those of many of the young people in TTI facilities.

Tough love and the TTI are the ultimate fail.  Rather than instilling resilience, self-compassion, and a sense of belonging, Katie’s experience left her with a sense of powerlessness, a lack of trust, and deep feelings of isolation.  Fortunately, today – despite skepticism – Katie is currently working through a fear of making mistakes, a desire to belong and to be valuable, and painful loneliness. That work is a testament to her persistence and her desire for a close relationship with her own daughter.

Now, there are more quality resources.  There are child psychologists with approaches that recognize the impact of experience on young people.  They ask, “What happened to you?”  They recognize children’s needs and the paramount need for connection.

There is healing for those who experienced the TTI either as a client or the parent of a client.  There are supportive organizations and ways of connecting with those with shared experiences.

C. Jamie Mater’s 2022 article in the University of New Hampshire Inquiry Journal – The Troubled Teen Industry and Its Effects: An Oral History – suggested that “the biggest help, regardless of life situation, was getting genuinely good therapeutic assistance and/or (re)connecting with others who had been through treatment.”  One person said, “I felt like I was going insane until I connected with someone else from treatment, and they were like, ‘No, those are real memories.’”

What may remain for Katie and other TTI clients is a lack of reconciliation with their family.  The TTI era is not talked about, and yet it looms large in Katie’s relationships with her mother and sister.  It is not brought up out of fear of igniting something that will destroy what they have built.  There is hope for reconciliation here, but for some, it may not be an option.

If you are a parent whose child was in a TTI facility and you wish greater closeness with them, please seek the assistance of a therapist or coach to explore what comes up for you and what may stand in the way of closeness, especially if you are feeling guilty or resentful.  Take care of yourself first so that you are more self-accepting, self-forgiving, and self-compassionate.  Then you can begin to connect with your child from that space.  If you haven’t already, begin by believing your child’s stories about their TTI experience.  Do not negate or minimize them.  Absolutely avoid blaming, labeling, or placing the burden of the experience on them.  Yes, there were problems.  They were not the problem.

When both you and your child are ready, have a conversation with them – even if they are an adult with their own children – and make amends.  Making amends is at the core of reconnection.  Consider having the conversation initially facilitated by a therapist, coach, or someone with non-violent communication or restorative justice training.

If you were a resident in a TTI facility, please find a therapist or coach to assist you in unraveling the abuse, isolation, cruelty, and dehumanization.  Your experience was real.  You did not deserve it then.  You do not deserve to continue to suffer from it now.

If you are ready to reconnect with your parent(s) in a deeper way with your TTI experience on the table, begin with deepening your own work with yourself.  Discover the parts of you that are suffering and bring them home.  Discover the parts that are resentful, enraged, or full of blame, and befriend them, allowing them to share how painful their experience was.  Once you feel more integrated, once those edges are soothed, consider a conversation.

There will be multiple conversations.  Many may be short and some may be long.  There will be ones during which things get messy or where you need a break before continuing.  Each one is a time to learn and grow closer.

As a country, we succumb very easily to dehumanizing practices and their contorted marketing just as we did with tough love and the TTI.  Currently our government and many Americans are repeating history with their support of dehumanizing immigrant incarceration camps and acceptance of the atrocities of war.

What can you do?  Advocate for oversight and regulation of any TTI facilities still operating.  Acknowledge that if something feels tough or brutal, it does not match up with love or honesty.  Align with kind, compassionate practices.  Be vocal about humanizing our systems.  Understand that one person is never the problem.  Know that even if unhealthy options seem culturally accepted, there are always other, healthier ones available.  Always.  Don’t settle for anything less.