Disarming the Hostile Impact of Our Fight Culture

“Aggressive fighting for the right is the noblest sport the world affords.”  These are the words adorning a bronze bas relief of Teddy Roosevelt that sits in my closet. I inherited it from my mother, who inherited it from her mother. Beyond that, I don’t know the origin of the piece.  What I do know is that it will never hang on a wall in my home. These are not words that serve as a daily inspiration. Aggressive fighting is not in my “how to live life” guidebook. 

Yes, conflict is a part of life.  How you handle the conflict, coupled with the repair and subsequent reconnection, is what I value and what leads to more peace in the world. When we are deeply rooted in collaboration and cooperation, we are steady. 

That said, almost every political speech contains the word "fight": "I will fight for you." "I will never stop fighting." "If we fight, we win."  It is not only in politics, but also in sports, business and even in the medical field. Cheerleaders yell, “fight, fight, fight!” Business success is viewed as a battle, and we battle diseases. We’ve all read the lines “following a long fight with” or “she waged a courageous war against." 

We live in a fight culture where operating from a space of activation and heightened isolation is honored. As humans, we fight when we feel threatened. Think about that. The level of threat is high in a culture in which violence and fighting flourish. In our fight culture, the focus is on winning. People navigate life based on a “win-lose” belief system — unless you triumph over someone or something you are a “loser." 

This fight culture is pervasive and unhealthy. It creates pressure, burnout, and anxiety. It offers no advantage or benefit.  In a fight culture, safety is scarce. 

How does this influence our children?  They may add dominance, force, and over-powering others to their life playbook.  They may feel anxious.  They may not value the benefits gained from the loss of a game or a failure on a test.  They may make that loss or failure about their character instead of about learning something new.   

They may believe that they must do it all alone, never experiencing the joy of collaboration or the blessed support of a friend in a time of need.  They may not know how to pace themselves, how to honor what they feel or even how to identify what they feel, or how to be close to someone they care about.  They may not trust others or themselves.  If they are highly sensitive, highly empathetic, big feelers, or theirs is a peaceful path, they may feel different from others and that something is wrong with them.  They may judge themselves as weak or broken. 

As Polyvagal Performance Consultant, Michael Allison, wrote in Psychology Today, "... in many of the systems we learn in, work in, play in, and live within, the message remains: Push through, plow over, and don’t tune in. We still elevate a version of toughness built not on connection and trust, but on dominance, isolation, and fear. The game face still means tension, aggression, and locking completely into ourselves." 

Michael continued, "We didn’t survive because we were the best fighters. We didn’t make it here by looking out only for ourselves. We made it because we could connect. We could communicate, collaborate, care for, and co-regulate – natural attributes that don’t come from threat and fear, but from safety and trust." 

How do we disarm the highly hostile impact of a fight culture on our children and ourselves?  Here are some ways: 

Notice if you are viewing situations through the lens of duality.  That lens – that there are only two choices, that results will be either bad or good, that things are either black or white, that you either win or lose – is a highly limiting illusion that supports a fight culture.  There are always multiple options.  Always.  

Practice compassion and self-compassion.  If you make a mistake, practice self-compassion.  If your child makes a mistake, offer compassion.  Embrace mistakes as a means to learning, sharing, and self-acceptance. 

Notice the words that you use.  How often do you use the word “fight”?  Do your statements have a tone of hostility or blame?  Do your children hear you yell at other drivers, talk badly about a friend or relative behind their back, or have knee-jerk angry reactions?  If so, you have found a great place to begin an inner exploration. 

Focus more on cooperation and collaboration.  Do you believe that you must do it all on your own, never asking for assistance or resisting having others sharing involvement in a project?  Is your initial response to most requests a “no”?  Here is another starting point for great self-exploration.  Discover your underlying beliefs about belonging, community, and team. 

Learn to stay steady by befriending your nervous system and attuning to what is happening within you.  Notice what you are animating in your world.  If you live “steady”, your children will, too. Your steadiness will expand outward to those in your social circle, to those with whom you work, and to those you greet with a warm smile or a wave. You will transform the systems that perpetuate a fight culture. 

If you would like to learn how to cultivate the concepts that you’ve read about here, watch for our next offering of our workshop Staying Steady in Times of Challenge and Change.  Learn more about the many ways to operate from a place of safety and trust so that your children reap the benefits!