Trigger Thoughts and Stress

Many thanks to the Santa Fe New Mexican for permission to post this article from our column. The concepts that we talk about apply to your relationships with friends, family, spouse or partner, and co-workers as well as with your children, so this is an article for everyone. Thanks for reading!

Parents have enough happening – juggling work, serving as teachers for their children in virtual school, and staying safe in a pandemic – to raise their stress to unprecedented levels.  To assist in lowering your stress and widening your breathing room, I invite you to employ a simple practice – monitor your trigger thoughts. 

Trigger thoughts begin with “I don’t have enough” followed by time, energy, money, support, friends, love, or opportunities.  Simply add your favorite noun!  These thoughts are often below our level of awareness.  Because what we think influences how we feel and act, trigger thoughts generate stress that then impacts how we respond as parents.  These thoughts do what their name implies – they trigger a cascade of feelings, none of them supportive or calming.

Simply say to yourself, “I don’t have enough time” and see how you feel.  Does your chest tighten and do your shoulders tense?  Do you feel additional stress?  Trigger thoughts quickly take us into survival.

From survival – where our safety is threatened – we react rather than respond to our children.  We are quick to anger or feel frustrated.  We walk away wishing we had handled the situation differently.

If you find yourself getting angry because your child is going to be late, notice your thoughts.  Is “I don’t have enough time for this dilly-dallying” in there somewhere?  If you find a pile of dirty clothes in the bathroom that your child had agreed to move to the laundry room, is “I don’t have enough energy to do all of this” crossing your mind? 

When trigger thoughts are involved, remind yourself that you are safe.  Take some time to breath.  From there, you can then decide how you would like to handle the situation.  You could have a discussion with your child about what they need in order to be ready on time.  Do they need to wake up earlier, choose their clothes the night before, or use cards that remind them of the steps for getting ready?  Have a conversation about agreements with your child who left their laundry in the bathroom.  Determine what you are willing to do.  An agreement that you are willing to wash clothes that are brought to the laundry room – not left scattered in the bedroom or piled in the bathroom – can support you.

Being aware of your trigger thoughts – then taking the time to remind yourself that you are safe and calm – can reduce stress and make for conversations that you feel great about!