When Humor Hurts

I find the work of Nathan Pyle, cartoonist and author of Strange Planet, laugh-out-loud funny.  His round, blue, large-eyed aliens speak English, and yet, their turn of phrase is hilarious.  On a trip to the dental office, the hygienist lets the patient know that they are going to “scrape your mouth stones”.  The child at the door on Halloween says, “Provide a sweet or face mild harassment” and then is given the choice of a “larddigit or pucker zone offspring” which translates into a Butterfinger and some kind of sour gummy worm.  The phrase “not my first rodeo” becomes “This is not my first gallop exhibition”. 

Pyle is clever, and his humor is sweet.  It unifies us as we watch the English language filtered through the very literal minds of innocent aliens. 

Many comedians knew as children that they wanted to do stand-up.  They felt the joy, connection, and power of making people laugh.  Like them, our children experiment with humor.  They tell us jokes they have heard at school.  They make up and share their own jokes.  Sometimes, what is touted as humor can be hurtful instead. 

An example of hurtful “humor” is one sibling telling another that they were adopted.  The intention is to say, “you are not like the rest of us” or “you don’t belong”.  I was surprised to see a meme saying this very thing posted by an adult on Facebook recently.  The meme declared, “Now is the time to tell your siblings that they are ugly, and they were adopted”.  The first surprise was that adults were still telling their siblings these things as if they were funny.  That “joke” wasn’t funny when they were five. The second shocker was that not only did I know the person posting this unkind suggestion, but I was related to her, both of us being members of a family in which adoption is present across multiple generations. 

It is our job as adults to guide our children towards humor that unites and raises people’s spirits and away from that which divides and hurts.  That guidance will assist in their development of empathy.  We can do this without punishment, harshness, or shame.  Here are some ways: 

Teach your child the difference between teasing and healthy humor.  Teasing is unkind.  It can be malicious.  It can be a form of bullying.  Teasing can single someone out with the intention of making them feel small.  If you notice your children teasing one another, talk with them about the impact.  They may be experimenting with getting their need to be powerful met.  Let them know that being powerful is not powering over someone else.  Without shaming them, guide them to notice the impact of teasing on the other person.  Find other healthy ways for them to be powerful and to lead. 

In an online discussion about being teased about being adopted, many of the participants stated that their parents never addressed the situation, letting it continue.  It is important that parents intervene with kindness and compassion.  Letting it continue is tacitly indicating that it is acceptable. 

Make sure that your humor is unifying and inclusive.  What we model for our children is paramount.  They will follow our lead.  Notice if your humor disrespects groups of people, makes fun of a friend, or implies that something is wrong with someone else.  This includes humor that is self-deprecating. 

When watching comedy on television or at the movies, make sure that it is not harsh, divisive, or “othering”.  Expose your children to comedy that unifies. 

Have conversations if their humor is hurtful.  The purpose of the conversation is to engage your children in discussion not to shame or label them in any way.  It might begin with a comment from you something like, “That lands a bit harsh” or “Wow, that might be hurtful”. 

Avoid labeling your child as “mean” or “thoughtless”.  Talk instead about the intention of the humor, how it might impact the recipient or those listening, how your child might feel on the other end of the joke, and other ways to be humorous that lift people up.  Ask your child to get in touch with how their body feels when they tell the “joke”. 

I mentioned to the person who posted the meme about adoption that it might be hurtful to others.  She had viewed it with blinders on – that it only impacted her and her brother.  When I spoke about the statement’s intention of making someone else feel different, not a part of, and less than in addition to unattractive; the privilege of saying the “joke” when neither element applied to them; and how those who have experienced adoption or felt unattractive would find it hurtful, she got it. 

To use one of Nathan Pyle’s expressions, humor can hurt our “blood pump”.  Laughing together is too valuable to allow that to happen!