Talking with Children about their Day at School

Have you waited in the pickup line at school, excited to see your child and learn about their day, only to be met with a one-word answer when you asked how school was?  Your word was probably “fine” or “ok”, right?  Maybe you didn’t even get a single word, only silence. 

Talking with your children when they get into the car or walk in the door after school can be challenging.  There are ways to get the conversation going, though, so that you can reconnect to your children at the end of the school day.

First, greet them with warmth.  Welcome them home or let them know how glad you are to see them.  Say their name as a part of your greeting, for example, “Hi Susie!  Here you are!  I am so happy to see you!”. 

Second, understand that their systems are depleted.  They are physically and emotionally tired.  The brain chemicals that allow them to focus are used up.  The one word that they utter is probably all that they can handle in the moment.   

Please don’t take it personally.  Their lack of engagement is not personal or manipulative or being secretive. If you react to them from one of those stories – i.e., “I bet they would be talking with their friends.  They just don’t want to share with me.” – they will become even more silent.   

Third, replenish.  Provide them with food and water.  They need sustenance!  If possible, bring healthy food with you in the car or have it waiting when they open the door at home.  Avoid sugary snacks and sweet drinks.  Water is the best, especially if they have become dehydrated. 

Pause and give them time to regain their energy and to decompress.  Stop in a park or a place in nature to eat.  If you are home, go outside if the weather permits.  Being in loud classrooms and echo-filled hallways all day can be overwhelming.  Being around a lot of people can be draining.  School can be over-stimulating.  Let nature sooth their nervous system.  If the weather does not permit, make sure that their environment, including any music in your car or at home, is calming.  

Avoid asking, “How was school today?”  That is a broad question, and there were most likely many important moments.  It is also a question that is easy to answer with one word.  Instead, ask, “What was your favorite thing that happened today?” or “What was the funniest thing that happened at school?”.  Asking how they feel is also a good connecting way to begin.  

When asking, make eye contact and be in close proximity.  A question yelled from another room will not have an impact.  The farther you are away, the less influence you have, so be close, even touching their shoulder or elbow if that is welcome.  Say their name when asking. 

Ask them what would be most soothing for them in the transition back home from school.  Possibly they need time alone.  Maybe they prefer to talk about something other than school.  Perhaps a hot shower will wash away the day and leave them refreshed.  Allow them to lead in determining what will serve them the best. 

Do something together that creates unity and re-connection.  Walk, preferably in nature.  Play a game.  Listen to music.  Brush their hair or rub their back if that is something they enjoy.  If their love language is physical touch, that will be a double gift. 

Most of all, avoid pressuring your child to talk.  School takes up a big chunk of their day and their energy.  Your calm presence and the flexibility to choose their next action may be all that they need.  

P.S.  All of these ideas apply to depleted adults coming home after a long day at work!