A Shift in Perspective to Prevent Power Struggles

If you have a toddler or a teen – or if you ever were a toddler or a teen – you have experienced a power struggle, that heated tug-of-war that quickly spirals down.  During a power struggle nothing gets accomplished, both parties dig in their heals, and both may feel a very unsatisfying, puffed-up sense of power; however, that is not being powerful.  It is a disconnecting “pseudo-power”.  Beneath the bluster is helplessness in disguise.  

Alfred Adler, the father of Individual Psychology, identified the Mistaken Goal of Power.  He said that when someone feels discouraged, they may develop a mistaken goal about power, believing “I only belong when I am the boss or when I prove that you are not the boss of me.  I am OK only when I can control things or get my way.”  People engaged in power struggles believe that controlling, defending, defying, or forcing are necessary for safety.  Anything that challenges control can land like a threat.  

That can interfere in relationships, and unfortunately, the Mistaken Goal of Power is the one mistaken goal (yes, there are more!) that most folks carry with them into adulthood.  Power struggling becomes a pattern, and it can damage relationships, including the one between parent and child. 

There is a key to interrupt this pattern which allows your child to embrace their own agency, to step into greater responsibility, and to expand their self-acceptance around accountability.   

The key is two-fold:

1.    See your child as responsible and accountable rather than a challenge to your parental authority

2.    View being powerful as being influential not forcing or controlling   

The actions to take with this two-fold key are the responsibility of you as the parent.  Your child will most likely never say, “I am tired of power struggling.  Let’s do this in a different way.”  You inspire this shift.  You lead the way!  

When you find the courage and faith to see your child as responsible and accountable, you will respond to them in a different way even when their behavior may fall short.  When your toddler says, “No”, or your teen’s words implicitly or explicitly say, “I don’t want to and you can’t make me”, begin to see them as more than they are in that moment.  They have not yet stepped into their agency.  When you see them as responsible and accountable rather than labelling them lazy, defiant, or arrogant, you create space for them to grow.   

That is liberating!  It can also be a challenging practice that takes time.  Hang in there.  

In seeing your child in that new way, you also create the space to step out of parenting from a place of viewing power as force or control and into living from power as influence.  That is the second part of the key.  

When your child doesn’t follow through with a chore, pause.  Their refusal is not a reflection of their character or of their respect for you.  It is an indicator that something is in their way.  Begin a curious conversation not a monologue driven by an agenda to “make” your child do their chore.  Drop that agenda!  Instead, choose to make the desired outcome greater closeness, cooperation, and connection. 

Here is how a conversation might play out:  

Mom: “Mary, I see that the trash is still sitting in the kitchen.  Will you please take it out now?” 

Mary: “I’ll get it later.” 

Avoid the urge to say, “No, you will do it now.”  Don’t get hooked by your child’s “no”.  Pause, breathe.  Get curious about what is going on with your child.  Re-engage when you are centered and calm. 

Mom: “Our agreement is that you will take the trash out by 8:30. It is after 9:00.  Is something going on?” 

Mary: “I just hate taking out the trash, and I have a lot of homework.” 

Mom: “I love how you focus on your homework!  I hear that you hate taking out the trash.  Is there something you are willing to do instead?” 

Mary: “I would like to feed the dog instead.” 

Mom: “OK.  That is what your brother chose to do.  Would you be willing to talk to him about trading tasks?” 

Mary: “Sure.” 

Mom: “Until you have negotiated the change with him, are you willing to take out the trash this evening?” 

Mary: “Sure.  I’ll go do it now.” 

Mom: “Thanks!”      

From that exchange, Mary felt heard.  She learned that mom valued what she had to say and that she could express herself without automatic pushback from her mother. 

Throughout, mom held her as responsible and accountable, and she rose to meet the higher view.  There was no disconnecting power struggle with the ensuing “pseudo-power”.  Instead, there was understanding and cooperation because they were being powerful!   

If you embrace this practice for your family, I wish you peace, power, and playful connection.