One of the biggest feelings: Anger

Do you remember the character Anger in the film Inside, Out?  With his bright red body and the top of his head bursting into flames, he vividly captured the essence of anger.  As one of the most entertaining characters in the movie, he was indeed “all the rage”! 

As entertaining as he was, anger gets a bad rap.  We are told we must “manage” our anger or bad things happen.  The culprit, however, is not the feeling of anger but our behavior when anger hijacks our system.  That is what gets us into trouble!  In guiding your children towards greater self-regulation through an understanding of their feelings, it is very important to make that distinction.  Feeling angry and acting from anger are two different things.   

As bad a rap as it has received, anger is neither wrong nor is it a “negative” feeling.  The benefits come when you feel the anger and understand what is behind it.  You can then learn a tremendous amount about yourself, your boundaries, and your values. 

Words matter, so be aware of the words you use in talking about feelings with your children.  Saying “I am angry” implies that it is who you are.  Instead, choose to say, “I feel angry”.  Feelings are transient.  They are visitors, not permanent residents. 

We humans feel angry in a variety of situations, such as when someone crosses a boundary of ours, disrespects us, ignores us, or does something emotionally or physically harmful.  A sense of powerlessness can ignite anger as can a perceived threat to one’s safety.   

Does the anger of others, even that of your children, leave your heart racing?  Does the depth of your own anger surprise you?  By exploring the feeling of anger and the parts of you that are fired up, you can then view anger from a different perspective – as a protection.  

Viewed as a protector, anger doesn’t land with such an intimidating whomp.  Just as animals make themselves appear larger than they are by rising onto their hind legs [imagine a bear], puffing their fur [envision a cat], or blowing up like a pufferfish, anger inflates us as a protection in the face of a threat, emotional or physical.  Knowing that, view your angry child from a different perspective – as a young person protecting themselves from threat.  

When experiencing anger, you are in a state of action, so it can be a terrific motivator.  It can move you to finish a project or get out of an unsafe situation.  It can also lead to the proverbial knee-jerk reaction.  The big step in avoiding those trouble-making, regrettable reactions is to practice the pause.   That means employing and teaching your child to employ the tools that keep both of you steady. 

Once your child has identified that they are feeling angry, breathwork is one of the “stay steady” tools that can assist in shifting their physiological state.  Begin by asking them to notice where in their body they feel the angry energy.  You can then use one of many breathing exercises to regain steadiness.   

Box breathing is a fun one that you can teach your child and practice yourself.  There are four steps to this practice, each the same length, hence the name box breathing.  Inhale through your nose for four counts, hold your breath for four counts, exhale through your mouth for four counts, and then hold your breath again for four counts before inhaling once more.  Repeat the four steps three more times.  Imagining the angry energy moving around each side of a box and getting smaller and smaller while they practice is helpful.  Afterwards, ask them if they still feel the angry energy in their body, and if so, repeat the box breathing a few more times.  

Once their system has settled down and is steady, consider having a compassionate conversation about what happened.  Discovering the trigger or the threat to their safety is where self-understanding and greater self-regulation lies.  

Open-ended questions can assist.  Examples include, “What happened that led to you feeling angry?”, “What is your take on what happened?”, “What was said or done that you didn’t like?” 

You can follow up with questions about how they would have liked it to have been.  Ask if there is anything they would do differently if it ever happens again.  Also, check out if there is anything left unsaid or unresolved and how they would like to handle that. 

Conversations like this enhance your child’s confidence, self-regulation, and self-compassion.  Removing the judgements about anger while adding an exploration of what feeling angry is about can become a new and kind way of being.  It can be all the rage minus the rage!