Feeling Sad

In the midst of writing this column, I learned that a friend’s teen daughter had died.  I am steeped in sadness.  There is disbelief, a deep ache in my heart, and the knowing that the lives of her parents, siblings, and others who love her will never be the same.  The loss of a child is a grief like no other.  From a place of sadness, let’s begin our conversation about sadness. 

Children learn about feelings and how to respond to them from conversations with parents, teachers, and other care giving adults.  They learn by watching how you process and express your own feelings as well as how you respond to how others are processing and expressing their feelings.  If you react with great discomfort to someone else’s sadness, your child may learn that feeling sad is not ok because it upsets other people.  If you respond with compassion and empathy, they learn that feeling sad is natural, not disruptive, and that people understand.  

Feeling sad is often labelled a “negative emotion”.  As such, people may avoid feeling sad at all costs.  Sadness can certainly be uncomfortable.  It is not, however, “negative”.  Like all feelings, sadness can serve as a guide, a clue, an insight, and knowledge.  Through learning about their feelings, children gain the skill of self-regulation. 

Your child can feel very vulnerable when experiencing sadness.  Create a lot of safety around welcoming and discussing it.  Feelings are an energy, and all of them are important.  No feeling is bad or wrong.  In fact, whenever there is a rupture such as an argument, talking to your child about feelings is the best starting place of all.     

The first step in teaching your child about feelings is to identify the feeling itself.  Naming it is comforting.  If your child is crying, despondent, hanging their head, isolating themselves, seeming “down”, they may be feeling sad.  Ask them what they are feeling and help them clarify it.  

Also, if you are ever feeling sad, identify it for your child.  A simple, “I am feeling sad right now” will work.  You can add the “because” as well.  A few examples include “because I miss Lucy [the family dog who passed away]” or “because I didn’t get the promotion I was hoping for at work” or “because your aunt and I had an argument, and I feel disconnected from her”.  Before sharing, make sure that the “because” is age appropriate.  Is it possibly traumatizing?  Even if remotely so or if the information will not benefit the child, refrain from sharing.  

Next, ask permission to talk about it.  If they agree, ask what happened (if you don’t already know).  Avoid grilling or interrogating them.  Make it safe for them to share or to choose not to share.  If they do not wish to talk about it, let them know you are available whenever they are ready. 

Sadness often has to do with loss.  Death, divorce, a lost pet, or a friend moving away can all lead to feeling sad.  If someone teases your child, they may feel sad in response to a loss of connection, belonging, and friendship.  If your teen fails a test or isn’t accepted into the college they want to attend, they may experience a loss of “face” or lost expectations. 

Sadness can also be tied to sacrifice.  Remember the tale “The Gift of the Magi” by O. Henry?  A couple who loved each other very much wanted to give one another something beautiful for Christmas.  They had very little money.  She had exactly $1.87. They each possessed a treasure, though – he, a gold pocket watch and she, incredibly long hair.  He wanted to buy her a set of ornamental hair combs for her beautiful hair.  She wanted to buy him a chain for his heirloom watch. Ultimately, she sells her hair to a wig maker to buy the watch fob.  He sells his watch to buy the hair combs.  There was such poignant sadness in how they each sacrificed something that they treasured to give the perfect gift to the one they loved above all else.  

In discussing the sadness your child feels, talk about the loss or the sacrifice. 

Also, ask your child to identify where in their body they feel sadness.  Big feelings are physiological.  It is only through feeling the sadness in their body that your child can fully experience it and allow it to dissipate.  By taking the time to metabolize the energy of sadness first, they can then consciously choose how they may wish to give voice to it or not. 

Sit with your child while they feel sad.  Be their safe place to land.  Let them know that crying is A-OK.  It is one of the ways that we naturally release the energy of our feelings. 

Fully feeling sadness allows for the full feeling of joy.  By guiding your child to honor their feelings and to take the time to feel them, they will grow in abundant ways.  Life becomes richer for them and for you!