Three Ways to Shift the Responsibility Balance

A mom that I was speaking with recently was questioning whether she was “doing enough”.  She had a lot of internal conflict about whether she “should be doing more”.  Was she overlooking something that was her job as a “good mom” to handle?  Her teen son had raised some big issues.  Were they her problem to fix or his problem to resolve? 

As your children grow up, there is a shift in the responsibility balance.  You begin to turn over to your children the job of handling larger and larger issues.  How do you know when to do so?  How do you know if the issue falls into your domain to fix or into your child’s domain to resolve? 

Here are three guidelines for shifting the responsibility balance! 

First, problems have owners.  It is helpful to identify the owner of the problem so that you know how to best proceed.  Generally, if you bring it up, it is your problem to resolve.  If your child brings up the issue, it falls within their domain.  It is their problem. 

For example, if your teen brings up that he hates school and doesn’t want to go any longer, the problem belongs to him.  If your middle school daughter lets you know that the girls in her circle of friends are talking about her behind her back, the problem belongs to her.  If you let your elementary school child know that you don’t like how messy their room is, you own that one. 

Secondly, whoever owns the problem is not left in isolation to resolve it.  If it is your problem, from a compassionate place, have a conversation.  If it is your child’s problem, you provide guidance rather than solutions. 

You neither become a disinterested bystander, nor do you leap into the role of “fixer”.   Instead, you ask curious questions.  You listen more and resolve less. 

It is helpful to ask open-ended questions; to inquire about your child’s feelings; and to explore ways they would like to handle it.  Here is a brief example of how a conversation could begin. 

 Mandy: Mom, today Sarah told everyone something private that I had shared with her.  The entire class was staring at me.  I was so embarrassed! 

Mom: Wow, that is a big deal.  I get that you felt embarrassed.  What else were you feeling? 

Mandy: I felt betrayed.  I thought Sarah was my friend! 

Mom: Yes, that was a huge breach of trust.  Do you want to continue to be friends with Sarah? 

Mandy: I am not sure.  I don’t know if I can trust her any longer. 

Mom: That makes sense.  You don’t have to decide right now.  What would you like to let her know about this? 

This conversation was not over, and a lot of ground was covered.  Mom guided her daughter to identify her feelings, think about her boundaries, and begin to explore possible solutions.  Notice that mom did not say, “Well, I’ll have a talk with Sarah’s mother about this right now!”  Mom did not fix it or dramatize it.  Instead, she listened and provided guidance while the responsibility for resolution rested with Sarah. 

A part of your guidance is recognizing if your child may need the words to use.  You can assist by asking, “How would you like to say that?”  Provide feedback if what your child initially suggests is provocative, unclear, or hostile.  For example, Mandy may say, “Sarah, you are a bad friend!”  That isn’t helpful, and it stops the conversation.  You might suggest that she consider saying something like, “Sarah, I felt hurt when you repeated what I had told you.  I want to trust you.  Will you not do that again?”  This guidance on the words to use can start as early as a very young child learning to verbalize, “I don’t like that.”  

Third, provide validation for your child on how they handled the problem.  Recognize how they stepped into responsibility and the outcomes that they achieved.  Be specific.  For example, if Mandy spoke with Sarah, requesting that Sarah not share things that she had told her in confidence, recognize how clearly Mandy stated her boundary.  Let Mandy know that good friends communicate and respect one another’s boundaries.  That is one of the foundations of trust.  

Through taking responsibility, children learn about their own agency and about problem solving.  They gradually develop self-confidence.  They relinquish fears about conflict.  They learn and grow while having the cushion of safety of your support and guidance.  

“Listen more and fix less” is a great motto to keep in mind.  Your child will feel heard as they become more secure in taking on responsibility!