Three Reasons Why Setting Boundaries is So Challenging

If given the choice between setting a boundary with a friend, colleague, or relative and splashing about in shark-infested waters, many people would choose the latter.  Studies find that well over half of American adults – with the results of some studies being as high as 72% - have difficulties setting boundaries.  Multitudes of people are saying “yes” when they really want to say “no”.  That can’t feel good or honest or authentic. 

There are many explanations for this, including guilt or obligation, tending towards appeasing people in times of conflict or disagreement, and fear of letting others down.  We are going to examine three even more fundamental reasons. 

First, people view a boundary as a line in the sand.  When perceived in this way, the tone of voice used in setting a boundary will be more threatening than inviting.  The words may reveal what you don’t want to have happen, and the tone may say “if you dare do this again, our relationship is over”.  Rather than an invitation to a conversation about how what happened landed for you, it becomes a defensive, scary event.  No wonder boundaries are so off-putting! 

Yes, there are times when what someone else says or does marks the end of a relationship; however, in those relationships that you want to maintain, instead of that line in the sand, consider a boundary a way to connect.  Being able to hear one another’s boundaries and to respect them builds trust and an even stronger relationship.  A boundary says, “this didn’t feel good” and “I value myself and I value you”.  

For example, let’s say you have a friend who is consistently late.  Hopefully, you are addressing this after the second or third occurrence rather than after years of feeling anxious or resentful about their tardiness.  You might consider saying, “I am really looking forward to going to the performance with you.  Does it work for you to be at my house by 5:30 or would you prefer to meet at the theater?  I can leave your ticket at the box office if you are running late.” 

Second, we can feel stuck about how to set the boundary.  A part of you may feel afraid of their response.  Another part may be spinning to find the “perfect” way to phrase your request.  Another part may question what you will do if they start a fight or leave.  Another part may be avoiding potential conflict at all costs.  Your system gets mired in weighing the risks and the outcomes. 

If setting a boundary equates to a threat to your system, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.  Your system is protecting you.  This is a great “trailhead” for your hike of discovery!  When you identify the threat, see its brilliant protective history, and provide what that part needs in order to give space, you are on your way. 

Third – and tied into the first two reasons – no one modeled for you how to effectively and peacefully set boundaries.  You were not shown how to do it in ways that created connection.  You were never provided with a class on boundaries in school, your parents probably never had the “boundary talk” when you were an adolescent, and the generation prior to yours never received training either.  How would you even know where to begin?  

There is now a starting place!  Begin by noticing that you would like to become more accustomed to effectively setting boundaries.  That is your ticket.  Get curious.  Be willing. 

A very focused approach is to attend “The Boundaries Blueprint” happening in April over Zoom.  Details are at www.WholeHeartedParenting.com/shop.  You can also work with a therapist or coach to hone your skills and befriend those parts of you that jump in to protect you.  Do you know someone who sets boundaries that land well and effect change?  Talk with them about their process and viewpoint.  Watch them in action. 

Most of all, practice.  Setting those initial boundaries may be rough, and that is ok.  It doesn’t have to be pretty.  Simply begin to practice, because each boundary that you set from this point forward is a continued practice.  You may be thinking that the time commitment is too great.  If so, consider how much time you spend doing something you didn’t really want to do when you say “yes” and really want to say “no”.  The time you spend practicing will be worth the exchange of discomfort for connection, guilt for authenticity, and fear for agency.