The Uplift of Validation
/As a child, a dear friend wanted to build a fish pond in her back yard. She told her father, who responded, “That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard.” His response carried a massive sting.
To this day, she wishes her father had said, “Wow, what a creative idea. Tell me your plan.” If he had, the outcome related to the plan would have probably been the same in that she would not have built a fishpond in their Tucumcari backyard. The outcome related to her – how she felt about herself, her relationship with her father, her relationship with her own creativity – would have been mightily different.
Sometimes, we learn what to do from our parents. Other times, we learn what not to do. From that experience, she decided to raise her daughter with validation instead of judgements and put downs.
Validation – reflecting what we’ve heard, recognizing feelings, being curious, asking questions of the other person, and witnessing rather than judging, fixing, controlling, or prohibiting – is incredibly powerful. Simply think of a time when you were judged or shamed. Now, imagine what you would have liked the other person to have said and check out how it feels to hear those words. It probably lands in a vastly different way from the original.
Validation has a big impact, including building trust between parent and child. When you validate your child, you become a place of safety. Because your outer words can become your child’s inner voice, validation can help create an inner voice of acceptance and self-compassion. Validation connects parents and children, inspiring some very meaningful conversations.
How do you incorporate more validation into your relationship with your child? It begins with a decision, just as it did for my friend. Decide to be a validator. The other options include being a fixer, prohibitor, judge, controller, or shamer. Yikes! “Validator” even sounds like a superhero in comparison!
Once you decide, look for opportunities to practice. There will be many! Here are two examples:
Example 1
Child: I don’t feel like doing my homework.
Non-Validating Parent: But you have to [implies the child has no choice]. Don’t be lazy [judges and labels the child]. Be more like your brother [by comparing the child with a sibling, the parent implies that they are not “good enough” as they are. They are only “good enough” if they are like someone else.].
Validating Parent: I hear you. I’ve felt that way, too. What are you going to do? What do you need to get motivated? Maybe a snack or some play time?
Please note that suggesting a snack or play time is not a bribe. Children may be lacking in energy or the ability to focus because they are depleted from a day at school. They may be running on empty. Dehydration can lead to lethargy and a lack of focus. Asking them if a healthy snack would help allows them to tune into their body and notice their needs. They may simply need to recharge their energy supply.
Time outdoors or in some form of play releases pent-up energy that may be keeping them from settling into doing their homework. A calm body allows them to focus and get started.
Example 2
Teen: My friend stole something from the store.
Non-Validating Parent: You need to tell the authorities, and you cannot hang out with them anymore [controlling]. Your friend is a thief [labelling].
Validating Parent: Wow! How are you feeling about that? What do you want to do to handle the situation?
Validating statements stimulate conversations. Non-validating statements end them. Quickly. Validating statements confirm that you have faith in and respect for your child.
The more you validate, the more you become the “go to” person for your child to share what is happening in their life. Not only does your child trust you even more, but they also trust themselves. They recognize how capable and creative they are.
Put on your superhero cape and get started!
P.S. Thank you, dear friend, for telling your story of the fish pond and giving me permission to share it. I love you and your creativity! You change lives.