When the Rules are Different

When I was growing up, going to Aunt Jackie’s house was always a treat.  She was welcoming, had a great sense of humor, and things felt relaxed and focused on fun.  The vibe was different from home.  The rules were different.  She encouraged laughter, even loud laughter.  At home, we were quieter and more serious. 

Everyone’s home has its own comfort zone or rules of engagement or culture.  When taking your children to visit family or friends, it is useful to understand the culture of the home you will be entering so that you can share that information with your child.  Knowing what to expect creates safety for everyone. 

How will you gain a savvy understanding of what is OK and what is not preferred?  If you have visited before, what did you notice?  If children were present, did they provide clues to what was cool inside behavior and what was reserved for outdoors?  If only adults were present, how did they conduct themselves? 

If you need more information or if this is a first visit, ask your host ahead of time.  A simple question could be, “We are excited for our visit with you next week.  Is there anything that I can let the kids know about preferences you might have, such as what you prefer to be outside behavior versus inside?  Would you like shoes off at the door?” 

What are the benefits of this inquiry and the sharing of expectations with your child before that trip to Aunt June’s house?

·       Knowing what to expect creates safety and comfort.

·       Your child learns about the sometimes-nuanced uniqueness of people, even those in your own family.  This creates a broader perspective and greater acceptance.

·       Children learn about their own agency in creating comfort for others and making a host feel valued.

·       Children learn about respect.

·       The conversation will create greater closeness between you and your child because it isn’t about rigidly following rules.  It is the back-and-forth of greater understanding and reciprocity.

·       Your visit will be much more enjoyable! 

Even if you have no information to go on, some basics are helpful to share with your children prior to the visit: 

·       If shoes are muddy or wet, take them off before walking around the house.

·       Running and shouting are reserved for outdoors.  Make walking and their “inside voice” the default.

·       Jumping on trampolines outside is great.  Jumping on the couch or bed is not.  The bed and the couch are for lying down or sitting.

·       Looking at items on tables or shelves is OK.  Avoid picking them up, particularly those that are fragile.

·       Keep feet off the furniture.

·       Ask permission from your host before approaching any pets.   

Have a conversation with your child before the visit, letting them know what to expect, especially those things that might look different from at home.  Keep it simple.  Keep it light.  Keep it conversational rather than a lecture.  Address how every home is different and that it is considerate to honor your host.  Frame it around how visiting people is a fun adventure, letting them know that they can always ask you on site if something is OK or not.  They don’t have to be unsure or feel pressure to remember a long list of dos and don’ts.   

Once you arrive, you – not the host, even if they are a grandparent – are in charge of guiding your child.  Be aware of the host’s response to things.  Intervene with your child if things are uncomfortable.  

If you are the host and the parents do not guide their children, here are some suggestions for you: 

·       Let the parent know your preference and ask if they would please handle the situation.  If Susie is taking books off the shelves, leaving them all over the floor, you might say to mom, “Liz, would you please ask Susie to keep the books on the shelves? If she wants to look at one at a time, that is great.”

·       It is fine for you to guide the child if mom or dad don’t.  Please be aware of your tone of voice. 

·       Get down on their level and make eye contact before speaking with them.

·       If they are ignoring you, lightly place your hand on their back; otherwise, do not touch.

·       Make your kind request and frame it as a choice, if possible.  For example, “Running is for outside.  Would you prefer to go outside and run or stay inside and walk?” 

Letting your child know when “the rules are different” provides them with safety and with solid principles for respectfully engaging with others.  Guiding them to be mindful of the tone of the home they are visiting is a wonderful awareness, as is developing an understanding of the uniqueness of individuals and families.  Learning to be a considerate guest will support your child throughout their life.  It is worth the advance prep not only for these lessons but to also ensure that your visit is fun for one and all!