When Roles Shift with Your Aging Parents

We step through many thresholds in our lives, and one of the most poignant and sacred ones is when our roles shift with our aging parents.  We become caregivers for the ones who cared for us.  We become leaders for the ones who led us.  It is a profound shift.   

When my brother and I realized that it was time to take away the car keys from our father whose memory was plummeting from dementia, we knew we had entered new territory.  To restrict my dad – the man who had driven us across the country on vacations, driven me to school, and driven to pick me up when my car broke down – was horrifying.  Yet, he would forget how to get home or where he was going.  To allow him to continue to drive was dangerous and irresponsible.  My dad had become what Mary Pipher termed “old-old” in her book Another Country.   

Another Country became a treasured resource and comfort for me. In a culture that venerates youth, becoming old is indeed like moving to another country.  Caring for aging parents – often while raising your own children and engaged in your career – means juggling time, resources, and energy.  It is stressful, and we don’t talk about it.     

We don’t talk about the isolation our parents may feel as their world collapses in around them.  We don’t talk about keeping them engaged, meeting their needs, and staying connected.  We don’t talk about what comes up for us in shifting roles with them. 

Caring for an aging parent is different from caring for a growing child.  Walking through that threshold puts us out front, on a precipice, in a different way. We don’t talk about the fear we might feel, the grief, the loss of our parents as a steady mainstay, and the shakiness we might experience stepping into this new role.  It deeply changes everything in the family dynamic. 

Caring for an aging parent is one of those “first times” that are incredibly challenging.  Brené Brown said in her podcast, Unlocking Us, “what I don’t love is being new at things... I think for all of us, being new at something is incredibly vulnerable. And I can tell you if the definition of vulnerability is uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure, then being new at something is the epitome of vulnerability.”

Unless you have cared for an aging parent before or you have seen someone else do it earlier in your life, how do you possibly know what to do?  It is brand new terrain.  It is the epitome of vulnerability.  It is another country. 

Here are a few suggestions as you step through the threshold.  I hope they will offer comfort. 

Talk with other people about what you are experiencing, and not only about the practical aspects of care.  Talk about how you feel.  Find a coach or therapist.  Find a friend who has done this before.  Do not do this in isolation.   

You do not need to do it all, just make sure that it all gets done.  This was advice from a dear friend, and with those words, I could exhale.  I could exit the overwhelm.  Find folks who can assist and let them.  Hire someone to assist if possible.  Have a team.  Engage with family members.  Delegate.  Find resources, including people, organizations, and books like Another Country.  

Be OK with things being less than perfect.  It is not about perfection.  It is about providing care that includes care for yourself, your children, your spouse or partner as well as for your parents.  I am not talking about shoddy medical care, a lack of safety, or serving non-nourishing food.  I am speaking to things not looking exactly as they would if you did them yourself.  Developing some flexibility will reduce your stress.  

Hold this time as sacred, because it is.  It is an elevated time.  It is an opportunity to care, to say things you may have never said before, and to experience deep love.  It is a beautiful liminal space. 

Practice self-compassion.  Speak to yourself kindly.  Know that others have walked this path.  Give yourself what you need to be OK. 

I invite you to join me on February 18th and 25th for our live virtual program, “Navigating the Role Shift with Grace as Your Parents Age”. Be in community.  Visit www.WholeHeartedParenting.com/shop for details.  If finances are standing in your way, please email me. 

May Sarton wrote in As We Are Now, “The trouble is, old age is not interesting until one gets there. It's a foreign country with an unknown language to the young and even to the middle-aged.”  Let’s begin learning the language.  Let’s communicate with our elders in a tender way, in their language, so that they are heard, valued, and loved.