The Benefits of Keeping Communication Simple

Imagine a tiny clump of snow that begins a downward descent.  As it rolls, it gains speed and girth until it is a colossal snowball.  Picture it barreling straight toward you.  Check out how you feel. 

Now imagine that the snowball is composed of words – words that we continue to pile on in talking with our child.  What started off as a request from you to put away a pair of shoes turns into a litany of requests.   Pick up your clothes, do your homework, feed the dog.  Your response to a question from them becomes ten things that they can do in sequential order as you manage their activities.  Those words barrel toward them and can land like that snowball resulting in overwhelm for both of you. 

Communication does not have to be complex.  Consider the benefits of keeping communication simple! 

As a parent, by sticking with one thing, one activity, one topic, you will feel calmer and more settled.  When you “pile on” with an avalanche of words, it can activate not only your child’s system but yours as well.  “Piling on” can also create a mental agenda that may become “fixed” in your view.  You become attached to the completion of each of those items on the agenda.  Having a fixed agenda and being attached to the outcomes of your requests are fertile grounds for power struggles. 

By keeping communication simple, you will be more conscious of the dialogue.  You will be less engaged in managing your child’s activities and more receptive to reciprocal communication.  You will listen more and command less.  You will not be perceived as over-managing or over-controlling with the resulting resistance.  You will not get hooked into those pesky power struggles as easily. 

A helpful practice for simple communication is to use one word.  If your child comes home from school and kicks off their shoes, leaving them in the middle of the living room floor, there are a variety of ways that your request for them to pick them up may roll out.  A request of many words may look like, “You left your shoes on the floor in the living room again.  You know better than to do that.  You know where your shoes go.  Please go pick them up right now and put them in your closet!”.  Have you already tuned out after hearing those four sentences?  With each sentence, the level of irritation becomes more palpable as saying the words stirs up your nervous system.  The two most likely responses that you will receive are either nothing or “I’ll do it later”.  That is the beginning of a classic power struggle, with your next words possibly being, “No, you will do it now”.  The pressure increases, both of you become activated, communication becomes more heated, their resistance rises, you become even more attached to those darned shoes leaving the living room, and nothing gets accomplished. 

Instead, consider saying only the word “shoes” as you point to them and walk calmly out of the room. 

By keeping communication simple, your request is easier for your child to process. For a young child, your words will be infinitely more understandable.  If your child experiences anxiety, their system will not be overwhelmed by multiple requests rolled into one.  In fact, for systems that are already activated and sensing threats, a simple one-word request can land like a single snowflake instead of the snowball effect of an overabundance of words. 

Reducing the complexity of your communication is a practice.  In his book, Just One Thing, Rick Hanson defines practice as “taking regular action – in thought, word, or deed – to increase positive qualities in yourself and decrease negative ones”.  Hanson also wrote that “Each moment of practice is usually small in itself, but those moments really add up”.  Your practice can begin with pausing to notice how many words you are using.  Before making a request, play – yes, keep it playful – with how few words you could use.  Then see if you can reduce the number of words even more! 

You can also notice the impact of your words on the other person.  What do their face, their verbal response, their tone of voice, and their actions reflect about how your words landed?  Listen if your child asks you to slow down or if they look confused or blank. 

Through practice, you will soon be using simple communication.  Simple communication takes much less energy, so you can devote that extra energy to something more fun!  Using simple communication will bring more peace into your day.  Instead of the threatening snowball effect that fires up resistance, using just a few words can inspire cooperation and harmony.