Pushback Doesn't Mean You are Wrong!

One of the biggest challenges for parents in our high-tech world is dealing with screen and social media use by their children.  Parents are rightly concerned about the impact of social media and tech use on their child’s mental health, social engagement, and well-being.  Parents are asking good questions.  How much time is too much time for a teen to be on their cell phone?  What is a good age for a child to have access to social media? 

Dr. Jean Twenge, author of the recently published 10 Rules for Raising Kids in a High-Tech World, has answers. 

I listened to an interview with Dr. Twenge, a Professor of Psychology at San Diego State University and the author of more than 190 scientific publications and books, done by Dr. Tim Jordan (https://drtimjordan.com/podcast-2/).  It sparked some thoughts and answered some questions! 

Dr. Twenge is decisive and clear in her recommendations.  Rule #3 is “No social media until 16 – or later”.  Rule #5 is “Give the first smart phone with the driver’s license”.  

She is also nuanced.  She discussed that a teen who is on their phone an hour a day and is doing well socially, academically, and personally is very different from a teen absorbed and isolated by the tech world.  Parents, you will know the difference.  If you have an inkling that screens and social media are having an adverse impact on your child, trust your instincts. 

She is also nuanced in saying that a basic phone can be provided earlier than sixteen.  Rule #4 is “First phones should be basic phones”. 

A part of the conversation between Tim and Jean was about the response parents receive to limitations put on screen use.  There will be pushback.  You may hear, “Everyone has a smart phone.  Why can’t I?”  Your child may voice their concerns about being left out of conversations that only occur on specific social media platforms.  They may make you out to be a bad, too restrictive, or not “with it” parent.  Be willing to hear the pushback without losing sight of what is in your child’s best interest.  As Twenge’s Rule #1 states, “You’re in charge”. 

Pushback does not mean that you are wrong.  Your job does not include giving your child what other children may have, in this case a smart phone and access to social media at a “too early” age.  Your job is providing what is good for YOUR child.  Be attuned to what YOUR child is ready for. 

If you are placing more stringent limits on their current use of screens and social media, you may hear something like “You can’t put the genie back in the bottle”.  Both Tim and Jean agreed that yes, indeed, you can.  Again, protest and pushback don’t mean you are wrong.  Let them protest and push back while you set limits that keep them safe and healthy. 

Dr. Twenge’s conclusions are grounded in research.  She sees with clarity the parallels between the increasing use of technology and the sharp rise in depression among young people.  She notes “We are living in a time of sweeping technological change. New technologies change the lives of people of all ages, but they have a transformative effect on young people who have never known another world. Gen Z and the younger Polars right behind them have fundamentally different childhoods than the generations before them: They spend much more time online and much less time in the “meatworld” of in-person social interaction and outdoor activity.  The result? An epidemic of depression among the young.” 

If you have concerns about the impact of tech use with your child, please read Dr. Twenge’s book, listen to the interview, and seek assistance, if needed, from a therapist for your child.  Find a coach or therapist for guidance if setting limits is a challenge for you or if pushback from your child is triggering, whether regarding screens or any issue. 

I am not writing this to be an alarmist.  New technology also offers benefits, and kids can become very savvy and informed.  The key is to be keenly aware of the impact of screen time and tech use on your child.  

Twenge ended the interview with the aphorism, “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good”.  This holds true in all aspects of parenting.  It isn’t about being perfect.  The small things that you do will make a difference.  In other words, don’t give up or do nothing because you can’t do everything.  Do the small things – the things that are ultimately good for your child – in whatever amounts you can.