We are Pattern Seeking Beings!

Humans are pattern seeking beings.  We seek to find structure in the information we are ingesting and the sensory input we receive.  From finding animals in clouds to hearing the recognizable thud-thud-thud of a flat tire, noticing patterns creates safety. 

Pattern recognition can be soothing, just as the repetitive nature of rituals – a decorated tree and gift-giving at Christmas; the candle-lighting and prayers of Shabbat; welcoming the New Year with confetti and party horns; blowing out the candles on the cake at a birthday celebration – is a comfort for your nervous system.  When we know what to expect, we feel safe.  We can exhale and be in community. 

In his 2021 article in Psychology Today, Why the Human Brain is So Good at Detecting Patterns, Dr. Robert C. Barkman quoted Neil deGrasse Tyson as saying, “Over centuries of evolution, humans’ pattern recognition skills determined natural selection.  Hunters skilled at spotting prey and predator and telling poisonous plants from healthy ones offered them a better chance of survival than those blind to the patterns.  It enabled the survivors to pass on those pattern-friendly genes to future generations.”  

We all have patterns or cycles in our lives that are disruptive, unsatisfying, or that leave us wondering what the heck just happened.  It is beneficial to notice those patterns because that gained awareness allows you to effect change.  Once you notice a pattern, you can then develop different forms of communication and different ways of interacting with others that better support you and your relationships.  You can interrupt the cycle. 

What does an unsupportive cycle look like?   It is an interaction with undesired results that continues to repeat over time.  For instance, you say something.  Someone else responds, be it your parent, child, sibling, or spouse.  You feel a certain, familiar way.  You question yourself.  You resent the other person or your own behavior or both.  You blame yourself.  Your inner critic is on fire!  Here are a few more examples.  

Example #1:

Mom: “Please be on time in the pick-up line today.  I have an appointment soon after I pick you up from school.” 

Teen: “You are the one who is always late. Don’t blame me.” 

Mom with a frustrated tone: “I’m not always late.  Just be on time, OK?” 

Teen: “Why are you always so frustrated?” 

Mom’s inner critic: “He is right.  I do sound frustrated.  My tone must have felt like a demand for him to respond like that.  Why can’t I ever sound calm?  He would respond differently if I asked in the right way.  I am bad at communicating.  I am so stupid.” 

Mom first gets blamed by her son, then blames herself for her teen son’s response, and ultimately judges herself harshly while labeling herself “a lousy communicator”.  

Example #2:

Mom with an angry tone: “I can’t believe you aren’t coming for Christmas dinner.” 

Grown son: “We decided to do a small dinner with just the two of us.” 

Mom, even angrier and beginning to yell: “You are breaking up our family.  We are all supposed to be together on the holidays.  That’s what families do.” 

Son’s internal dialogue: “Here she goes again.  I have to give her what she wants or this will go on forever.  She won’t stop.” 

Son: “Maybe we can come over for dessert.” 

Son’s internal dialogue: “I don’t want to go over for dessert, but unless we do, we will never hear the end of it.  I hate myself for being so unassertive.  I hate that she doesn’t give me space to even breathe.” 

By becoming aware of these patterns, you can break the dissatisfying cycles that end so poorly.  For example, when our daughter was in middle school, I noticed a pattern that occurred each morning before school.  The three-part cycle began with my request to be ready on time, followed immediately by her challenge to my request, and ultimately ending with a power struggle when she wasn’t ready when it was time to go.  In examining the cycle, I noticed that the prequal was my thought process.  I actually expected the power struggle.  That was an eye-opener!  I was envisioning exactly what I didn’t want, and with that realization began the shift! 

Once you’ve noticed a pattern, you can’t unsee it.  Your next step then becomes deciding on the “cycle interruption tool” to engage!  My chosen tool was visualization, and it was very effective.  Each evening before bed, I visualized in great detail how I would like the next morning to flow.  I could hear our words and tone of voice.  I saw my daughter being ready on time.  I reminded myself how responsible she was.  By using visualization, mornings became much smoother and more cooperative.  

Other tools in addition to visualization include practicing self-compassion, befriending the part of you that gets hooked in the interaction, and checking out underlying beliefs that you may be operating from.  Watch for details on how these practices can assist you in noticing and shifting patterns to ones that enhance your relationships!