Three Benefits for Your Child (and You!) in Knowing about Their Nervous System

Your autonomic nervous system is amazing.  It does so much with very little conscious input from you.  Your heart beats; you inhale and exhale; you notice that you are hungry; you notice that you are satiated; you feel tired and then you rest.  That is your system at work.  In addition, it also keeps you safe and alive.  Pretty important stuff!  

Understanding and attuning to your nervous system can assist you in handling conflict, leaving risky situations, identifying your feelings, and in making decisions.  It benefits your children to understand their magnificent nervous system, too.  What exactly is worth sharing with them? 

Your child will benefit from knowing how their nervous system protects them.  The primary directive of the nervous system is to keep us alive and safe.  As adults - and especially as adult women - we may ignore those indicators that say we are at risk.  We may tune out or override the cues telling us that we are in an unsafe situation or that the person we are speaking with is a potential danger.  We all – including your children – can benefit from paying attention to those cues. 

Teach your children to recognize and respect their inner guidance system. It is a part of “neuroception”, what Dr. Stephen Porges, the author of Polyvagal Theory, calls our nervous system’s keen ability to scan for safety and threats outside of us, between us, and within us.  Teach your child to be discerning with the sometimes-subtle cues of threat that might include increased heart rate, a niggling nudge to leave or leaving, a general discomfort, feeling afraid, not knowing how to respond, an unsettled belly, or racing thoughts. 

You serve as a model for your child, so sharing your feelings and physiological state is important.  Imagine that you are cut off in traffic.  A simple “Wow, that was scary - my heart is racing” is an easy share.  Then invite your child to look inward to access their feelings and physiology by asking how they feel and what is going on in their body. 

Your child will benefit from recognizing their three physiological states - action, connection, and shut down.  When teaching your child about their nervous system, you don’t need to use Polyvagal terms for their physiological states.   Instead, you can introduce them by colors.  Green indicates that all is good and safe (Ventral Vagal).  Yellow indicates that there may be danger, and your system is gearing up for action (State of Activation).  Red means a big danger, and your system may be checking out from the overload (Dorsal Vagal). 

You recognize yellow, the state of action, most easily when you feel threatened and subsequently want to run away, put up your dukes, or appease others to turn down the heat. This is your flight-fight-faun response. 

It benefits your child to recognize the physical indicators that they are in the yellow state.  If big feelings come up, have them pause and identify what is happening within them.  How does it feel in their throat, chest, belly, hands? How is their breathing?  When your child begins to identify when they are in a yellow state in which their system is activated or triggered, they can then find ways to return to the green state of social connection.  

The red state is the part of your nervous system that you enter when something life threatening happens or if there is constant threat over a long period of time with no hope of relief.  This is a state of shut down, collapse, or “feigned death”.  You see it when an animal, initially in a yellow state (running away from a predator), sees no hope after being captured.  The animal goes into a state of shut down in which they play dead.  You can see this with a cat and a mouse. The cat leaves the mouse alone when it shuts down and stops moving.  A brilliant adaptation on the rodent’s part! 

We humans do this, too.  If you’ve ever gone totally blank when giving a speech or during an argument, you’ve experienced it.  If you have a child who goes into shut down, they may be judging themselves harshly or feeling shame.  Let your child know that it is their physiology serving as a protection, not a reflection of their character. 

The green state is one of social connection.  It is where you learn, collaborate, make decisions from your values, and where you heal.  It is the state of safety. 

Your child will benefit from knowing ways to return to a state of balance, calm, and social connection. You can teach your child breathing practices, join them in walking outside, and guide them through a visualization.  When you are in the green state, they can co-regulate with you.  Have them share a wonderful experience with you, such as how they felt gazing into the Grand Canyon or watching their favorite movie.  Share an enjoyable experience that you had with them, being sure to use sensory words so that both of you can truly “feel” the story.  Sharing the story means that you get to relive it! 

Your nervous system is a powerhouse that keeps you alive and safe.  Befriending your nervous system and teaching your child to befriend theirs will benefit you both throughout your lifetimes!