Saying "Yes" When You Want to Say "No"!

A friend recently said “yes” to an assignment.  Truthfully, he wanted to say “no”.  There were many negatives about the situation, and he was tired.  The discomfort that enveloped him after that unwelcome “yes” was palpable. 

He is certainly not alone, because many of us do the same thing.  We want to decline the invitation, request, or assignment, and yet, “yes” is what we say. 

A cascade of things happen when you agree to something that isn’t a fit for you.  Your body may feel contracted, tense, and tight, reflecting its resistance.  You may begin to focus only on the uncomfortable or challenging things that happen along the way, with each of them – the delays, the people you may be working with, your lack of control over circumstances – fueling the internal fire that reminds you, “See, I should not have agreed to this!”.  You then beat yourself up.  You may blame others or the situation.  You walk around grumbling.  You may feel unfocused, uncommitted, or uninspired.  Even the job that you do may be lackluster or downright bad. 

None of these feel good.  You are actually suffering.   

If you are a parent, your child is picking up on your mood, your body language, your tone, and your behavior.  They may be learning that when you agree to do something that you don’t want to do, you have permission to do a bad job and be disagreeable company.  They may even be learning that you do not have the option of saying “no”. 

What can you do to avoid this cascade of suffering and the subsequent unintended lessons for your children?  Here are a few ideas: 

Take a pause before responding.  Unless it is an emergency, such as your child running into a busy street after a ball, take a pause before responding to a situation or request.  The pause can allow you time to check in with yourself and to consider multiple options.  

Listen to and trust the part of you that guides you to say “no”.  It can be easy to over-talk that part of you, especially if you feel pressure to say “yes”.  Listen intently to that part and check out the guidance.  You still make the decision.  The decision need not be made by that part of you; however, listening to what that part has to share about the safety of the situation, both emotionally and physically, is important. 

Attune to your body.  What are the differences that you feel in your body when you ponder your options for responding? How does "yes" feel?  How does "no" feel? Trust what your body tells you.  As Martha Graham said, “The body never lies”.

Consider changing your mind.  If you have said “yes” and then notice the cascade of suffering, contemplate a change in your decision.  Changing your mind does not mean that you are irresponsible.  Au contraire!  It means that you are indeed responsible as well as self-caring.  Getting new information – whether the source is outside yourself or inside yourself – broadens your perspective which can lead to a different decision.  Knowing that you can change your mind is healthy for children to understand.        

The crux of all of this is self-trust.  Trust yourself to pause, to consider, to listen inwardly, and then to possibly reconsider.  Take your time rather than giving a knee-jerk “yes”.  If your ultimate answer is “yes”, it will be well-considered.   

Often, we over-ride our intuition, our feelings, our body, and our parts particularly those that urge us to say “no” or to at least look at the possibilities.  This isn’t self-supporting.  Because we want our children to listen to themselves – including the guidance of their intuition, their feelings, their bodies, and their parts – over-riding isn’t supportive of their growth.   

Modeling self-trust for your children is a powerful lesson that will enhance your life and theirs as well!