The Value in Being a Steady Parent

There are some things required of us as parents to raise children who trust others and themselves, who are resilient, who can engage in difficult conversations, and who are self-regulating.  Parents who are open and predictable and who provide consistent responses most of the time are more likely to raise children who securely attach as are those parents who set clear boundaries and who honor their child’s boundaries.  When a child feels safe and comfortable expressing themselves, you’ve done a good job. 

Being steady is a means to being that parent.  Steadiness is the inside work.  Consistency – as well as those qualities mentioned above that are needed for a child’s secure attachment – is the outside result.  

Steadiness is a training not unlike a physical practice that my Pilates teacher has us do to refine our balance.  She has us stand on one foot on a very thick mat.  The springiness of the thicker mat makes balancing a bigger challenge than it would be on a hard, flat surface or even on a typical yoga mat. When you balance on one foot on the thick mat, your standing ankle and foot make constant micro-adjustments to return to steadiness.  Balance is not complete stillness! 

This practice creates a suppleness that is protective.  You are less likely to get injured when stumbling over a Lego or tripping over a stone.  You are also less likely to get tripped up when interacting with your child if you practice internal steadiness.  

What does it mean to be steady as a parent?  Here are a few of the ways it shows up: 

You make decisions from who you are rather than from a reactive part of you.  That provides the predictability and safety that children need.  In other words, you are self-leading.  You have robust self-energy.  You trust yourself. 

If you drop into a reactive state or shut down, you can regain your stride.  You are self-regulating.  Being steady does not mean that we never drop down or shut down.  It means we make subtle or not-so-subtle adjustments to return to steadiness.  Like a bird on a wire, there are many micro-movements to maintain balance.   

You do not get blown way off course when something unexpected or uncomfortable happens.  You don’t get sucked into “worst case” scenarios or “doomsday” thinking.  You are resilient and creative.  You have the flexibility of a reed bending in the wind.  That flexibility allows you to return to your original course or to reset to a better one. 

You retain your sense of humor.  That may be one of the most wonderful benefits of staying steady! 

The practice of staying steady means recognizing when you are wobbly.  When you notice yourself teetering, you can become a non-judging witness to your own system.  You take the time to get to know what is coming up for you.  With self-compassionate discernment, you explore the connections between something happening and your response to it.  

For example, there was a recent event that left me feeling despondent and shocked.  Even though it felt scary, I allowed myself to pause and see what was happening inside of me.  I explored the divergence of the values that I hold and those that were being reflected in the world.  I felt incredibly sad, grieving for the things that I held dear.  It was in those moments of reflection that the value of steadiness came sharply into focus, and I made a commitment to find practices for remaining steady.  There was strength in finding that purpose.  I also felt that my commitment to steadiness was a statement of love for my daughter.   

I hope that you will join me in staying steady.  There will be a tip every Tuesday on our social media channels.  Some will be small, easy practices, and others will require more energy and time.  All will help you stay steady so that you are a source of safety and trusted guidance for your children.